Its about me right now

Its about me right now


Wednesday, July 13, 2011

I never thought

Caleb Sterling Koke
February 11,1992- July 14, 2009 
God has you in His arms but I have you in my heart 

Two years ago I was woken up by my sister and my mom with the news that Caleb had died in a tragic car accident early this morning. It took me a long time to actually believe it, but once it hit that it was true. I was in shock. I can remember everything in that moment very clearly. It honestly, stills feels like it was just yesterday. His death was the hardest thing that I have had to face in life. This was someone that I loved so much and he had so much going for him. Through out this my emotions have gone from 1-100. At first, I was full of anger because I didn't understand why God would take away someone that was so young and was not able to live his life fully, then it went to heart broken because I lost my best friend, But now I can honestly say, I am jealous! Caleb is in HEAVEN! A place our hearts long for, dream of, and one day I hope to go. Having to live here on this earth that is filled with judgment, without him, Is the bad part.  I never imaged that day would come but I also never imaged sitting in NYC, in a model apartment, all alone, on his two years anniversary. This day is hard enough but to not have anyone to bring you comfort is even harder. I have never wanted a hug this bad.. All I have to cuddle is my T.Y that my grandpa bought me when I was very little. I do not think I have ever felt so alone in my life. But I am trying to stay positive because I know he is looking down on me with Joy in his heart for going after something I have dreamed about. "My God is a compassionate God who wants comfort, healing, peace, joy and life into broken hearts." Is something someone has taught me and what I pray for. I know with everything you are always going to have your bad days, good days, and excellent days but I need to remember that God never wants to see someone hurting because he will hurt with them. Its just that I want to be selfish and have Caleb on this earth with me......To caleb, There is nothing I could do, nothing I could say to make you see what you mean to me. All the pain and tears I have cried. I will never let you go. I know all my life you will be with me forever because you are watching over me everyday. That brings a sense of security to me, to know, your like my guardian angel. That brings me comfort sitting in my apartment tonight because I am not alone... Your with me and God is with me. I just wish I could physically see you. You give me the strength to carry on.  Please promise me that your saving me a seat right next to you! I love you. 

“Perhaps they are not stars, but rather openings in heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy.”


  1. Dearest Victoria,

    I sat here and cried while reading your heart wrenching, yet compassionate story. You are an amazing soul, whom touches the lives of so many. May the Lord comfort you & walk with you on your life's journey.

    I love you!


  2. I totally lost it when I read this. I recently had a similar experience so I can empathize. Regardless, your pain is yours. Since I've known you I've seen your smile and your spirit and I know God has helped you through the rough times. Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding....